When Saying Yes Broke Me: A Doula’s Journey to Boundaries
Hi, I’m Christina. I’m a people-pleaser with ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. To say that setting and maintaining boundaries is hard for me is an understatement. It’s something I struggle with personally and professionally—something I work on every single day.
Do I know that boundaries are healthy? Yes.
Do people need them to care for themselves? Absolutely.
Do we need them to thrive and live a balanced life? Also yes.
And yet, I still find them hard.
Cracks and Breakthroughs
This past year has stretched me further than I thought possible. I’ve felt myself crack in ways I never had before. Before that crack, I knew boundaries were hard for me—something I was “working on.” But when that crack opened, it let out feelings I’d been holding back. It gave me permission to cry and release what I’d been carrying.
That doesn’t mean the struggle disappeared. I still wrestle with saying “no” and with not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. Luckily, I’ve got a great therapist helping me navigate those challenges.
Boundaries and Doula Work
So, what does this have to do with being a doula?
When I first started out, I limited myself to 1–2 births a month while working full-time. But even then, I prioritized clients over everything else. If they texted, I responded immediately. I carried my phone everywhere, scrolling and answering when I should’ve been present at home.
I started taking every postpartum and childcare shift I could—nights, weekends, anything. I wanted so badly to make my doula work “legitimate” so I could leave the job I was bored of. Without realizing it, I built my business on being available 24/7.
But it came at a cost.
I stopped cooking and ordered takeout constantly.
My marriage started to feel like a roommate situation.
My husband felt abandoned.
I stopped caring for myself.
Eventually, things broke down. I was in a hole I couldn’t dig myself out of. Something had to change.
Big Leaps, Big Lessons
After some tough wake-up calls, I started budgeting and making healthier choices. Then an opportunity came along that allowed me to quit my full-time job and take on more birth clients. I was thrilled.
The first couple months were great—until they weren’t. The “part-time” job I’d taken was more stressful than expected, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I was making mistakes with clients, with work, and in daily life. People close to me grew concerned for my mental health.
I knew something had to give. But I wasn’t willing to give up what I loved most—supporting families through birth. So I went all in.
I joined the board for our Collective doula conference. I took every postpartum shift and birth I could. In my head (and in my bank account), I needed to justify the leap into full-time doula work.
But life doesn’t let you hustle your way out of hard lessons.
Reality Check
I quickly learned the importance of:
Having reliable backups for every client.
Communicating clearly when something isn’t working.
Prioritizing sleep.
Protecting my mental and physical health.
I pushed through anyway, telling myself: Other doulas do this. Other doulas manage. Other doulas don’t struggle the way I do.
But here’s the truth: other doulas aren’t me.
Accountability and Support
So, reader—what does this mean for you?
Now that you’ve heard just a glimpse of my past three years, here’s what I’m doing to hold myself accountable:
I’ve built friendships in this work with people who know my patterns and aren’t afraid to call me out when I’m overextending.
My desktop background reads: “What would the version of me with healthy boundaries say?”
I lean on those friends as sounding boards when I need validation or tools to set boundaries I’d otherwise avoid.
Two of those friends are Amy and Delanie, my co-owners in the Collective. They’ve been especially important when it comes to professional boundaries. Amy even ran a boundaries workshop for our members recently.
During the workshop, she asked us to think of one word we associate with boundaries. My first words? Hard. Guilty.
Do I know better? Of course. But then came words I long for: peace, comfort, trust, empowerment, choice, autonomy, consent, energy, safety, respect, space, freedom, balance, strength, clarity, care.
I want all of that. I want my energy back. I want balance. I want respect for the boundaries I set.
Putting Boundaries Into Action
So, how do we actually do this? Therapy has been huge for me—and I recommend it to every doula. Birth work, postpartum work, even death work: they all surface feelings you thought you’d already dealt with. Having a therapist is a lifeline.
Here are the boundary categories we discussed in Amy’s workshop:
Emotional: Stay compassionate without absorbing clients’ emotions.
Time & Availability: Set on-call hours and communication limits.
Physical: Know when to step back in birth spaces.
Financial: Create clear payment policies and avoid undervaluing your time.
Scope of Practice: Avoid stepping into clinical roles or making decisions for clients.
I’ll be honest—I’ve failed at all of these. But I’m working on it. And implementing them will look different for every doula. Here’s how I’m approaching them:
Emotional:
I use visualization practices—imagining myself surrounded by protective light before entering birth spaces. Crystals help me, too. I also want to be more intentional about the kind of clients I take—the work that fills my cup. And I need space after births to truly recover, which means saying no to extra commitments and planning nourishing food and rest.
Time & Availability:
I’m experimenting with “office hours.” From 9 p.m. to 9 a.m., my phone goes on Do Not Disturb. I’m also rethinking my postpartum availability—likely reserving it for returning or birth clients only. And I’ve realized that bragging about being “always available” is actually a red flag.
Physical:
Backups, backups, backups. I’m learning when to step away—whether it’s napping in my car during a long labor or calling in a backup doula when I’m at my limit.
Financial:
My time is worth more than I’ve admitted. Many doulas struggle with charging what we’re worth because this work feels like a calling. But joining the Collective has helped me align my pricing with the real value of our services.
Scope of Practice:
I’m leaning more on contracts to clarify what’s included. When clients ask for things outside my scope, I’m practicing saying no and referring them to the right professionals—social workers, lactation consultants, or professsional cleaners.
Wrapping Up
Friends, thank you for walking through this with me. Writing it all out helped me realize things I hadn’t fully admitted to myself (note to self: maybe I should try journaling again).
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I’d love to hear your thoughts:
What boundaries do you struggle with?
What tools help you set healthy ones—personally or professionally?
Love & Light,
Christina
